How to I brought my child from crying real tears to a happy smile with one question

Today my 2 year old had a tantrum, or rather I thought he had a tantrum, until I read this definition of tantrum.

Ok so let’s say that today my 2 year old made a fuss, and I don’t like fussy children, and at first I got a bit annoyed, then I ignored him, then I got rid of it with 1 question! It was the first time I ever tried this trick and it worked wonders… So what did I say? Bear with me and let me explain…

I was giving him his yogurt, he had a toy in his hands, a duck. He threw the duck up in the air and the thing landed on the floor. I stopped and said quitely he should pick the toy up, NO. I talked to him to explain that he can’t throw things in the air and expect others to pick them up… , NO. I then refused to give him the rest of his yogurt and the thing started.

He started to cry and scream and wouldn’t stop, eventually I allowed him to reach for the yogurt and said he could help himself with it, but he kept crying holding his yogurt…

And then I remembered about Active Listening, and I thought to myself, ok, let’s try it…:

Mum: You are angry, aren’t you?
A.: Si (yes), crying
M: and why are you angry?
A.: crying some more…
M: are you angry because mummy is not playing with you?
A.: Yogurt, crying..
M: oh you are angry because mummy is not giving you the yogurt?
A.: Si
M: and do you know why mummy is not giving you the yogurt?
A. stops crying… looks at the duck on the floor…: Duck
M.: right, mummy was angry because you threw the duck and you should pick it up, shouldn’t you?
A.: Si’. now calm, he goes, pickes the duck up, puts it on the shelf (a step I hadn’t even requested), and comes back happy and smiling.
and then Mummy and A. happy again start eating yogurt together in full armony.

So simple! All it took was one question: You are really angry, aren’t you?

WOW!

Many people talked about Active Listening, I learned the trick from this book which I highly recommend: How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, by Faber and Mazlish. By the way, Active Listening works at any age, in fact it is widely used also in professional environments.

Image from A Journey Round my Skull

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