Why some parents don’t want to speak their mothertongue with their children?

 Leonora asked for some advice via Facebook because her partner refuses to speak his mothertongue with their daughter. Her question is very interesting and far from unusual, so let’s think about it together.

Leonora is Italian, her partner is from Angola hence his mothertongue is Portuguese. They met in London but now live in Italy and have a 3 year old daughter. Leonora would like her child to grow up bilingual, but her partner doesn’t speak Portuguese to her, saying it doesn’t feel natural to him.

This is quite a common situation, it’s astonishing how many people refuse to speak their native language to their children and opt instead for the majority language, in this way the child is deprived of the opportunity to grow with a strong connection to his/her origins, to start with, and of being bilingual too.

However none can be forced to speak whatever language with his/her children, this is a very personal decision. So although I perfectly understand the frustration of Leonora and other mothers in her situations, the fact is that this is largely outside her control. The only thing she probably could, and should, do, is speaking with her partner to understand why he’s refusing to speak his language with his own child. Most likely there are very deep motivations behind this decision, and only by understanding them and discussing them she can help her partner reconsider his decision.

Obviously none but the person concerned knows why he is doing what he’s doing. However one could start by generating few options, from which Leonora and her partner can take inspiration for some good thinking.

• Bilingualism is normal, the child will learn the language(s) in due time. For most Europeans bilingualism is the exception, but for most people in the world it’s normality. Most countries, including most African countries, are bilingual because composed of different ethnic groups and because they have one or more colonial languages. People who grew up in this kind of societies regard multilingualism as the most natural of things. They speak 3 or 4 languages without any effort and can’t quite picture why learning a language should be so difficult for someone being raised monolingual.  So they genuinely think that a child can learn a language at any moment in his/her life just like that.
• I leave here, always speak this language, can’t be bothered speaking my mothertongue. Watch out, don’t dismiss this argument as nonsense, most likely there is much more to it than it looks like. It is extremely painful to leave one’s own country, cut the bridges, and settle down permanently abroad. None can understand what this means unless s/he had this very experience (which in a way implies that your humble writer doesn’t know what she’s writing about either).  Nor can one compare the experience of an Italian living in London (a mere two hours flight away from home and still in a very similar society- no matter what you think of English cuisine) to that of someone who leaves a whole continent behind, with different cultures, traditions, values and lifestyle. Moreover, we all know that having a child is a life changing experience, among other things  it moves us to remember our own childhood and to reflect on it, it brings to life the child we have once been.  Well, most likely speaking one’s language to one’s child might lead people to question their choices and face painful memories. In a way, refusing to speak the language could be just a defensive measure.
• Child’s education is mummy’s business.  This line of thinking is still extremely popular, in all type of societies. For instance, 99% of the people who follow and comment on this blog are mothers. Right or wrong, that’s the way it is. And by the way, Daddys you are more than welcome to prove me wrong. I’d be delighted to take these words back!

These are just few ideas. May be the reasons why Leonora’s partner doesn’t speak his language have nothing to do with this at all, may be there are many more drivers we should have considered. If you have an opinion, please share it.

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Picture by lepiaf.geo

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